“Morbius” (2022) is not a good movie even for a Sony Spider-Man Universe (SSU) film. As a mini recap, think of SSU as Spider-Man without Spider-Man and Marvel adjacent (the credits were fighting for their life with “In Association with Marvel”) so without the quality control. The first two entries were the surprisingly delightful “Venom” (2018) and its disappointing sequel “Venom: Let There Be Carnage” (2021), which was not devoid of meaning. So why would I see it? Vampires! Even a bad vampire movie could have redeeming moments! Ha! Not today. 

I am unfamiliar with the comics so please allow me to make my argument why “Morbius” did not have to suck. Daniel Espinoza directed it, and I loved two of his films, “Life” (2017), which people prayed was an unofficial sequel to “Venom,” and “Child 44” (2015), a serial killer police procedural set in the USSR with an excellent cast: Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, and Noomi Rapace. The writers Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless do not quite measure up, but they belong in the category of solid mediocre movies that are not as bad as they seemed in commercials: “Gods of Egypt” (2016) and “Power Rangers” (2017). They also wrote episodes of Netflix’s “Lost in Space,” which has solid word of mouth. 

I know that it is fun to ridicule the low-hanging fruit that is Jared Leto, but he is not an awful actor. I remember him delivering solid performances prior and up to “Dallas Buyers Club” (2013) at which point he began to play different wacky iterations of himself. He is just not as good of an actor as he or the studios that keep backing him believes. A good actor like Michael Fassbender can be in a rotting corpse of a film and give more than it deserves as he did in his last film appearance, “Dark Phoenix” (2019). Leto is as good as his surroundings, and prosthetics help do the heavy lifting. Leto has bought the hype about himself. If I was his publicist, I would have gotten on my hands and knees to beg him not to have the transformation into a superhero shirtless reveal. While his physique may be head and shoulders above average guys, for Hollywood, his hotness was only slightly above Finn “Iron Fist” Jones’ bird chest because Leto eats. What does he have going for him? Well-conditioned and brushed hair with moments of glory for his spray tanning person. He is not leading man material, and he may be the most boring anti-hero ever. Even a charisma vacuum once had charisma. Just flat.

The best part of “Morbius” were the opening and closing credits. It had a James Turrell color aesthetic with a dash of Nicholas Winding Refn’s “The Neon Demon” (2016). Even if the film was not good, I had hopes that it would at least be visually pleasing. Nope. Vampires can be stylish or terrifying, but these vamps are neither. These vamps have the snub nose of a bat with a caveman skeleton chic. If there was a reason that Sony hobbled over to Fox and heavily borrowed from its “X-Men” franchise to use Quicksilver and Nightcrawler CGI smoke to signify the vampires’ speedy movement except not as cool, please let me know. Bionic Woman sound effects would at least be nostalgic and funny. If you think that black latex gloves are the height of fashion, maybe this movie will satisfy. The bar is rolling on the ground. My mentor and friend referenced the “Underworld” franchise in his reviews. He was being generous! I was only satisfied when Morbius got purple lining in his *sigh* black coat. How did this film make black boring?

“Morbius” did not have a solid story. Does he have a family? How did he get to Greece? Scientist as rockstar and rebel is such a lame trope when the star does not have a sliver of swagger. It was as if they took George Lucas’ “Star Wars” prequels’ idea of friendship and romance, thought that the bar was too high and aimed lower. No one has chemistry. Jared Harris who plays the father figure and is an excellent character actor could not even make his moments work. DCF should have charged him with neglect. This film felt as if it was cobbled together using a kit from the people who made paint by numbers after they went into movies. Morbius experiments on a single mouse then jumps to experimenting on himself off the coast of…..wait for it. Long Island! Tomato tomato boooooooo! There are the usual best friends turned enemy trope although how his best friend was able to administer the serum and hone his abilities so quickly, who TF knows. 

Things that feel racist, but are not in “Morbius.” The filmmakers spent all their money to travel back in time, specifically to the nineties, to get all the black men with flattop haircuts and pushed up jacket and shirt sleeves for Morbius to kill. An alleged pedophile sits next to a sleeping little black girl. Tyrese acts in a supporting role.

“Morbius” works hard to make cool references to Dracula, “Nosferatu” (1922), “The Incredible Hulk”(1977) and “Unbreakable” (2000), but still falls for the worst of Marvel tropes. I despise the framed hero on the run. No one considers reviewing the surveillance footage until the end of the film. I know that we are living in a kleptocracy now so maybe this storyline is more realistic than it was in the past, but it is still lackluster.

I felt bad for bats because I feel like they worked hard to rehabilitate their image after Dracula, but “Morbius” is setting them back again. At least I kept thinking about the multiple “Batman” franchises every time that they appeared. It had me yearning for Robert Pattinson. I usually see Matt Smith and think, “This movie is going to suck,” but he was actually the best part of the film, which is a compliment to him, but not a reason to see the film unless you love Smith. His first dancing scene made me throw up a bit in my mouth, but by his second attempt, he rewatched a bunch of Sam Rockwell scenes and “American Psycho” (2000) and found his rhythm. (And if you do like Smith, why? I am disinterested in hearing about “Doctor Who” because David Tennant is a solid actor standing on his own without referencing that beloved sci-fi franchise, which I have zero interest in.) Smith was giving me gargoyle meets serial killer stuck in his mom’s basement vibe. At least he tried.

Reasons that I feel personally attacked? The random introduction of a cat without any update as to how the cat is currently doing. I need resolution, but I refuse to encourage a sequel. I am going to assume that the cat is fine and found better human beings. The fashion dreckitude of denim on denim. For the first time ever, “Morbius” made me not care about mid-credits scenes and Michael Keaton—two birds, one stone. Even the Venom sequel hooked me at the end. I am not excited to see a character from the MCU in the SSU, and now I am concerned about Keaton’s well-being. Did he get kidnapped? Is he bankrupt? Blink twice if you need help. I would rather watch “American Assassin” (2017) again. 

“Morbius” is not even worth a hate watch. It is a soulless film that rushes to nowhere. If it somehow survives and gets a sequel, I will be so mad because as a completist, I will feel compelled to watch it.