2+2=4. The sun is hot. Michael Keaton is the main reason to see “The Flash” (2023), the 13th film in the DC Extended Universe. Feel free to arrive at the theater under one hour late to see a decent Batman sequel otherwise you will be peeking at your watch wondering when the pace will pick up. Before you dismiss this declaration as part of cancel culture, Gary Oldman was so good as Winston Churchill in “Darkest Hour” that a Google search would take awhile to uncover his worst transgression, so it is possible to be so good that you are cancel proof. Ezra Miller as the titular hero does not have the juice to carry the movie, but all the blame does not fall on their shoulders.
Thanks to Grant Gustin and all the contributors to the Arrowverse, which I stopped following soon after the pandemic, the CW’s iteration of The Flash/Barry Allen was better at multiverse crossovers and stands as the best live action “Flashpoint” storyline: Barry travels back in time, saves his mother’s life, but makes the world a worse place so chooses the greater good over his happiness. “The Flash” tackles the same storyline and fails by making Barry into Batman Jr., brooding and obsessed with saving his parents—dad ends up in prison after getting accused of killing mom—whereas Barry has always been joyful in comparison to the Caped Crusader. He feels like a different character than the one introduced in “Justice League” (2018), and it is hard to get invested in a protagonist who is defined by others and whose distinct characteristics are being famished, annoying and messy. Barry has zero chemistry with Iris (Kiersey Clemons), who feels like an afterthought. Also Billy Crudup is no longer playing Henry Allen, but a shaggy Ron Livingston, who is normally affable, but comes across as a poor man’s Kyle Chandler. If lack of chemistry runs in the family, then blame dad. It was the first time that I thought that maybe he killed his wife. Maribel Verdu is the heart of the film as Nora Allen, Barry’s mom, and she makes it feasible that Barry would destroy the world to save her. Verdu and Miller’s scenes together were pitch perfect.
If one Barry is not endearing, two gets to be a bit much as his journey to the past leads him to team up with a younger version of himself. Younger Barry is styled like Keanu Reeves in “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (1989), starts as a goofball too immature to handle being metahuman and leaves a wake of destruction in his path, i.e. an average night for Miller if accusations are accurate. It is one of those moments that wiser writers would have revised considering the scandal surrounding the star—the movie should distract, not remind viewers of the star’s alleged transgressions. A protagonist does not need to be likeable, but Barry does, and there is not one version that you would tolerate spending five minutes. Older Barry is aggrieved, annoyed and sullen and younger Barry is a caricature of a teenager. Miller’s acting is surface deep—you can see the gears moving as they think about how they are going to deliver the next line, and their delivery is wooden. I don’t remember them being this bad before, but it was disappointing. There was only one moment when I related to Barry-when older Barry rebuked younger Barry for how he treated monkey, their stuffed animal. I laughed once when they are going into battle together, and the mature one tries to hype up his younger self. Also the first time that young Barry is onscreen, he is such a muppet that it cracked me up. If I had to compliment Miller, they look great walking around naked and have great facial bone structure.
Despite the piles of studio money, the CGI is dreadful. Most of “The Flash” is ugly. Money does not equal taste, and only the suit got an upgrade. When Barry time travels, he enters a Chrono-bowl, an arena that depicts all the multiverse possibilities, and I have seen YouTube videos and TikToks with better production values. To depict young Barry, Miller gets the flattened, gloss treatment, which is giving uncanny valley. I am willing to sign a waiver at the cameos that give us a peak at alternate versions of Superman, Batman, and The Flash. Most of these versions were iconic homages to past greats, but a crowd pleaser was one that only happened in one actor’s heart, and I was delighted that his dream came true even if it looked like my cat created it.
“The Flash” is a great Batman sequel and a decent Supergirl introduction. Ben Affleck never got a standalone Batman movie, and I feel cheated. His take on the character manages to be funny and self-deprecating without losing the Batman mystique. Affleck got cheated because his Batsuit looks dreadful with grey accents, bulky with no neck as if the suit injected steroids. As Bruce Wayne, he is an effortless showoff in his Mercedes Benz slumming it with the poors looking world weary and a bit gaunt, but still a glossy person who could not blend in if his life depended on it. It feels as if Affleck has decided to play all his characters as tongue-in-cheek parodies of alternate versions of his famous self. Loved how cringe he was as he was trying to impress a fellow hero as if he was asking for her number. Hilarious!
Keaton is perfect. Older actors are the best, especially when they get to revisit a character that they have not played in awhile. He is fucking good! He has not played Bruce Wayne/Batman in three decades—since “Batman Returns” (1992), and here is where “The Flash” production team shines. It felt like the old mansion, including the way that the bats appear in his cave. Bruce’s evolving look from hair to wardrobe reflected the psychological state of the character. He goes from Billy Connolly to the old Bruce Wayne/Batman that we know and love but a little weathered. Also while Affleck’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth screams Gatsby, newly minted, Keaton’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth performance is quiet luxury, old money. He has an outfit for every event in his home and has more wardrobe changes indoors than most people on stage at an award show. He just has coveralls lying around. He busts out a neckerchief at the least provocation. This Batman suit and Bat equipment are more expressive and have humorous, vulnerable moments without undercutting his confidence or reputation while Affleck’s Batman is really relying on his wealth to bridge the gap in skills. Ladies may turn down Affleck’s Batman, but no one would say no to Keaton’s Batman.
Also in contrast to Affleck, Keaton brings a nonchalant, reckless, thrill seeker, ex-government operative irrepressible risk junkie vibe, which implies that this new crew would not be ready for him if he got wild. As his injuries pile up, he begins to beam joy from every pore. He is having a blast and never wants to quit. Affleck’s Batman really does not want to die, but Keaton’s Batman says, “Yes, and….” I want a Keaton cut of this movie. Also go knees! Batman sticks a standing landing. He has the energy of a seventeen-year-old, not seventy-one.
Supergirl was a mixed bag, but Sasha Calle did a great job. It is shallow, but I liked that she had black hair, especially considering most “Superman” actors have had black hair, and “Supergirl” is usually a blonde in a mini-skirt. Also unlike prior iterations, she is a girl in age (possibly), but not the effervescent kind. She is pissed, determined and alien. She is the most normal Kryptonian onscreen: not saccharine or evil. Still for one of the most powerful beings on the planet, she plays more damsel in distress than superpowered person, but she is young so I’m willing to chalk it up to inexperience. She gets to deal with Zod, and I adore Michael Shannon so despite not caring about Zod at all, Zod was consistent with “Man of Steel” (2013). He adapts so quickly to strategy and will not participate in shenanigans. Shannon literally gave “Fuck this shit” face when opponents got the upper hand. I am kind of curious what his win looks like, and instead of multiverse distorted super bowl, I’d love to see a glimpse of him living his best life. How does Zod celebrate?
The humor in “The Flash” was off—funny adjacent. If you are into drinking games, drink every time you see a baby or someone mentions a baby. It is a lot, especially if the baby is crying. Also someone gave permission for the script to have a single expletive, “shit,” and it showed—another potential drinking game. When Barry says “Bat shit,” I was annoyed at the missed moment to toss a guano into the dialogue. Then the film kept repeating the sight gag of “Isn’t it funny when a masculine presenting person carries another masculine presenting person like a girl?” This joke never happened when Wonder Woman carried a guy so is it supposed to be funny because it is two men. What makes it funny? The only time that it was funny was when Keaton Batman wordlessly shut it down. Also dwelling on a dog in danger as a punchline seems like the opposite of James Gunn’s humor. I do not care what Tom Cruise said. Director Andy Muschietti, who directed “It: Chapter 1” (2017)—ooooooohhhh –and “It: Chapter Two” (2019)—booooooo—failed.
It is no one’s fault, but even passing knowledge of Flash lore will make it easy to predict who the real villain is. It is so tiresome, and not the DCEU’s fault, but it is old. There is a post-credits scene, but it is kind of meh. Most of the audience stuck around for it.
