“You Hurt My Feelings” (2023) revolves around a contemporary Manhattan family’s routine life getting disrupted when novelist and The New School teacher Beth Mitchell (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and her interior decorator sister Sarah (Michaela Watkins) overhears Beth’s husband, therapist Don (Tobias Menzies, “Game of Thrones”), confiding to his friend and brother-in-law, actor Mark (Arian Moayed), that he does not like his wife’s novel. The remainder of the film shows the ripple effect of Don’s comment.
Writer and director Nicole Holofcener and Louis-Dreyfus reunite to release another great film since “Enough Said” (2013) about imperfect normal people and the social lubrication of encouraging lies disguised as opinion. “You Hurt My Feelings” reflects on how omissions enable relationships to thrive. Though unvarnished truth is theoretically better for the individual to improve, it can wound. When Holofcener shows Don and Beth at their mutual jobs, Don prescribes “truthful communication” to his patients, and Beth advises students to “Write your heart out and don’t show it to them”-them refers to anyone in real life who is a subject of their work. Don does not follow his own advice by censoring himself, and Beth spirals at her inadvertent discovery even though on some level she understands Don’s actions.
Without this overheard comment, the film could be accused of being about nothing, but it is a great movie because it feels so organic and lived in. “You Hurt My Feelings” goes through three subtle phases: before, rupture and repair. It starts by introducing the characters and establishing their routines. As the movie unfolds, Holofcener gives her viewers a sense of each family member’s daily life which consists of work, home and free time. This disrupting comment makes each character unwillingly open to reevaluating their comfort zone, reassessing the world around them, and changing to achieve personal success and satisfaction.
Adjusting after the disruption is awkward and miserable even for those oblivious to the source of the disruption. Every character is grappling with their identity, their individual sense of self-worth and how their professional satisfaction and reception affects them. The truth is that their work is not everyone’s tastes. As each character becomes less resistant to failing and accepts the truth not as condemnation, but information, they can begin to thrive and find their audience. One person does not have to be the sole supporter. When Beth finds someone who is into her book, it is a forgettable scene, but their synchronicity is mirrored in their clothing. Both are wearing a blue shirt and navy blazer. The question is not if her book is good but who is her audience. Just because her husband is the most important person in her life, it does not mean that he does not love her if he does not enjoy her book, “You’re not your book.”
“You Hurt My Feelings” is the rare film featuring a husband who loves with his wife, enjoys spending time with her, is imperfect but trying and is the bedrock of their relationship. His lie created a space for her to experiment and take chances by writing her second book, but her first novel. Don does not believe that his tastes should stifle his wife’s creativity. He knows that he could be wrong. Also while Beth is reacting to Don as if he rejected her, even at her most cold, Don knows how to express his feelings and vulnerability. He never acts out in reaction to her sudden iciness or the incessant stream of dissatisfied patients’ feedback. Instead he finds a way to get out of a rut without any help. He is the first character who realizes that failing in one circumstance does not make him a failure despite a lot of evidence to the contrary.
The disruption and reunion are quiet and gradual though some confrontation occurs, and time is set aside to tackle the problem. “You Hurt My Feelings” is such a stellar movie because it depicts that conflict is possible without destroying a relationship or becoming paralyzed in other areas thus making it safe to be an imperfect individual distinct from those whom you love and still be safe with others. The real test of Beth and Don’s way of navigating the world is shown in their relationship with Eliot (Owen Teague), Beth and Don’s son, who is unaware of their conflict and going through a similar identity crisis. He rejects his mother’s encouragement because “I don’t know who to believe”: his mother or himself, her belief in his potential or his current state of mediocrity. While his interpretation of her actions is a projection of his own feelings—of not being part of the family because his parents are a couple first (they are too cute), his forthright outburst is a catalyst to his parents resolving their conflict. When Don and Beth reconcile, it is a return to casual communion, shared space instead of isolation.
Throughout “You Hurt My Feelings,” Beth mentions verbal abuse. It is only later in the film that we realize that a scene when she is muttering to herself is not her inner critic, but an echo of the verbal abuse that she references throughout the film, her father’s voice now in her mind resurrected as her husband. She overcorrects in her parenting. The repair of the mother son rupture starts with her accepting his choices then becomes a hilarious, visceral, absurd moment of brilliant physical comedy which shows that love motivates her lies. Eliot cannot deny that he is loved though that love can be ineffective and stifling. This moment creates space where he finds his way to take steps to discover and claim his identity and vocation.
Eliot is just one person whose own struggle with praise versus truth helps pull people from navel gazing to return to communion with others and action. Don and Beth’s conflict help Sarah and Mark from indulging their individual inclination to perseverate over rejection. In contrast, Beth and Sarah’s mother, Georgia (Jeannie Berlin) is impervious to negative criticism, has mastered the social norms with an inscrutable poker face and never doubts her actions. From her squashing any mention of verbal abuse to her collection of take-out Tupperware, she gets what she wants from every interaction even when absent. While she may not be who we strive to be, her ruthless allegiance to herself provides a counterexample of how to navigate the world.
Georgia also acts as a reminder of the pre-Giuliani Manhattan when Beth and Georgia go to Gino’s Diner, which satisfies their nostalgia, but is also disgusting. New York is another supporting character in “You Hurt My Feelings”: a mix of haves and have nots, gentrification and old school, humble establishments, an ambivalence over undeserved good fortune. By the end of the film, it feels as if the cycle started again: well-intentioned lies as encouragement instead of honest feedback and individual growth.
Side note: I did not know about the screening before release and paid for my own ticket on opening weekend. Coincidentally and unplanned, my editor decided to go to the same theater on the same day at the same time. At least in Cambridge, “You Hurt My Feelings” is the film lovers’ movie, a critics’ film. It is the kind of film that we see in our free time and that seems like high praise indeed.
