If you think that you’re above watching The Meg, keep it moving. If I were younger, I would have seen it in theaters because I saw Jaws on television when I was a kid and paid to see Deep Blue Sea, which was no Jaws, but was pretty awesome when I was in my twenties. So when I criticize The Meg, it is from a place of love. (I’m not sure where I land on the Sharknado franchise, but I’m running out of time to see the movies that I definitely want to see so it isn’t looking too good for that franchise. Jury is still out though.) I’m not looking down on it. I want to have a good time watching a not so extinct ginormous shark wreak havoc.
After watching The Meg, I was shocked that it was an (unfaithful) adaptation of a novel, not the fever dream of cynical Hollywood executives trying to get my money. After Spy, Jason Statham seems like a solid star choice, but I don’t even need a brand name, just a giant shark and an adequate story filled with lots and lots of shark attacks. Unfortunately I was a bit bored by the spectacle because it was too damn long.
I was disappointed in several elements in the story. For a second, I thought that Bryan Cranston was in this movie, but it was store brand Bryan Cranston (sorry, Robert Taylor). I didn’t need a romantic storyline. Can’t we ogle Statham without shackling him to a chick and her kid? I didn’t sign up for this! Once it is firmly established that a bloodthirsty giant shark is on the prowl, the second priority after killing it should be to put an end to bring your daughter to work day. Also that kid needs other kids to play with, not being a victim of parentification and acting like her mother’s matchmaker although good job, kid. Still mom needs to stop venting about her cheating baby daddy to his daughter! Inappropriate! Get a therapist and stop projecting your issues on to the hot guy that you just met who saved your colleagues’ lives. To be fair, she does apologize for that, but I have a feeling that is going to be an ongoing problem so run, hot man! Run! OK, swim! Swim! Dear people about to be rescued, if you are on a damaged vessel with someone that the rescuer loves, get rescued before the loved one because the rescuer will work harder for her than you because he is only human. You were lame on Heroes, and you’re lame here too. I’m all for being mean to bad rich people for cathartic purposes, but this rich guy was ok, and the way that he died seemed disproportionately mean although he shouldn’t have been so secretive. I knew that they were going to kill the mother and daughter, and it did ruin the fun for me. You’re only supposed to kill human beings, Meg! Don’t talk me about scientific accuracy! I saw the twist coming a mile away. Ruby Rose looked like she came out of Final Fantasy a la A-Ha’s Take On Me. When does Meg get full? Does it have an eating disorder? Are we going to discuss whether or not it is a cannibal? If my purse dog nearly dies on my wedding day, that does not bode well for the marriage. Just get it annulled now.
I loved The Meg’s shameless pandering to Asian moviegoers! Three generations of an Asian family are on a scientific exploration mission. Why not! The action unfolds off the coast of Sanya Bay, China! Cool! I know that the black character was a stereotype, but he was also funny, and I would have been him in the movie except that I would not even be in the movie because I would have never taken a job on the ocean if I couldn’t swim. A day trip on a boat is a completely different scenario. [I don’t get the line, “What happened to your hair?”] The Jaws homage during the denouement was cool. I liked the way that they finally killed it, and everyone chipped in. It was nicely foreshadowed in the middle of the movie, and I appreciated the follow up. It had a David and Goliath ring to it. The damaged vessel storyline vaguely reminded me of The Europa Report, and the rescue was the most interesting part of the movie. The giant squid had a 20,000 Leagues elegance to it. Statham’s voice reminds me of Constantine! Are the actors from the same region? A black guy and a white guy get killed at the beginning of the movie so that is progress. A man is treated like a crazy woman for the first third of the movie so again progress, but I have to deduct points for seeing life support as unnecessary and being able to sober up so quickly because now you’re just rubbing your physical superiority in our faces. We need more sad Statham showers. I like that his character’s name was Jonas, but next time, go for gold and just call him Jonah. Go full Biblical! I want to hear Oh Mickey in all languages so hearing it in Thai was probably on my bucket list.
At the end of the day, the shark from The Deep Blue Sea was trope defying and showed a sense of aplomb that The Meg never reaches, forget surpasses. Its attacks felt sluggish, and bigger is definitely not better. I was never invested in the attacks and disappointed that it did not continue to attack the station. How is Meg going for the shark tank, but not the shark aquarium?!? Boooooooo! Don’t give me a station then not destroy it. Have we learned nothing from Geostorm, which I did not even like, but still!
The Meg is a waste of time because it never achieves maximum levels of blockbuster satisfaction. Rewatch Deep Blue Sea and Spy to get what you’re looking for from this movie.