Siberia stars Keanu Reeves as a diamond merchant whose business plans hit a speed bump so he must go to the titular region to straighten things out, but will this detour just further complicate an already precarious and flawed business transaction?
I know that there is still a month and change left in 2018, but Siberia is probably the worst movie of 2018. I regret watching it and offer my condolences to anyone who actually paid to see this film in the theater. I have nothing but love for Keanu Reeves so I was already grading it on a generous curve, which means it is probably worse than I’m describing. Matthew Ross, who directed Frank & Lola, has gone from promising first time director to a sophmore slump of epic proportions by proving that he is all style and no substance if he doesn’t have preternaturally talented actors bringing his dreckitude work to life. If he ever wants to evolve as a director, he needs to cut out the middle(wo)man and have a movie in which an older man tries or succeeds at raping a younger man, who then spends the rest of the movie trying to at least recover or get the upper hand. His Rube Goldbergian plot twists provide thin cover for this essential mission statement in his two films, and the acrobatics are tiresome. If I’m interested in seeing a film and notice that Ross directed it, I’m not watching it. He is fired possibly forever until he gets therapy.
At the beginning of Siberia, I was filled with hope that it was going somewhere but as the movie progresses, I realized that there was a lot of build up, but no payoff, and it felt as if it would never end. If you looked up contrived, there would possibly be a photograph of the movie poster. I’m going to spoil the ridiculous plot. Reeves goes to St. Petersburg, a major metropolitan city in Russia, to meet his partner, Pyotr, who has the blue, unique and rare diamonds. Imagine Waiting for Godot, but more puzzling because instead of straightforward communication, he leaves clues as if Reeves is on a scavenger hunt. Apparently Reeves has a briefcase full of burner phones, but what exactly is he doing that is illegal? I have no idea. It is possible that I wasn’t paying close enough attention, but being a wheeling dealing international diamond merchant isn’t inherently criminal; however Reeves’ character is clearly up to unsavory shenanigans.
I suppose that I could accept this form of communication between Reeves and Pyotr, but there is one thing that I can’t accept. Why is this partner holding the diamonds and not Reeves when Reeves seems fairly unsurprised at his partner’s lack of reliability? Also when you see the person that is supposed to get these MacGuffin diamonds, you will ask this question again because he is clearly an unsavory criminal whom I will describe as a Russian gangster. This guy is already pissed that he has to extend the deadline, but is charmed when Reeves says “If I can just draw on your patience.” Such awkward phrasing, and even though Reeves speaks every language, he says this in English to the Russian gangster. I do not consider this phrase a bad omen, but I note it.
If you’re wondering whether or not Reeves knew that the guy across the table is a gangster, there is some random South African dude on the phone with Reeves periodically. This guy wants Reeves to sell the MacGuffin diamonds to him, and in the past, Reeves saved his life so SA tries to warn him that this deal is dangerous. Side note: is that what diamond merchants do—save lives? It is purposely left vague, but adds to his mystique and credibility that he can handle this situation. Siberia is clearly exploiting Reeves resume as Neo from The Matrix and John Wick so initially I buy it.
Pyotr’s clues point Reeves to a small town in Siberia called Mirny. At this point, Siberia alludes to and never fully exploits the fact that not only is there a difference between Reeves and Mirny locals in terms of nationality, but also class and education. I just pretended that he was still in America, and it was one of those record scratch moments when the city boy stands out like a sore thumb in the country. I began to wonder WHY this movie HAD to be set in Russia, but let it go. Reeves isn’t prepared for this detour. He Skypes with his wife, who is played by Molly Ringwald, and I loved this part of the movie because his relationship with his wife was just so normal, and actually resembled how human beings actually behave, it was refreshing. I began to feel optimistic about the turn of events. It was the last time that I would feel that way. Ross is allergic to anything resembling reality.
Reeves is bored so he goes to a local diner with none of the chic of an actual diner, but more like an open space apartment that had a counter to divide the living room from the kitchen, and there were no other places to hang out so it became the local hang out spot. Katya is the only single lady in town, has an overprotective brother and all the guys simultaneously act inappropriately around her and believe that she is spoken for because there is one nice guy in town that they have decided will be her boo. Katya is clearly played by a hot actress who kind of looks like Laurie Cohen from The Walking Dead, and dresses similarly too. Do we ever meet this guy? No, I don’t think so, but I could be wrong. Is he actually her boyfriend? I don’t think that it matters. I began to ask myself if a dowry is involved because everyone was so invested in this relationship as if money was on the line. Reeves defends her honor. The men ambush Reeves when he leaves. He holds his own initially, but he isn’t John Wick, and he is outnumbered so he gets knocked out cold. Katya takes him home.
Siberia holds together based on one credible thread. After calling an ambulance, I would take Reeves home. Every Russian man in Siberia mentions how handsome he is, and I kept expecting a Deliverance moment that fortunately never came. Reeves is still hot, and his hair is amazing in this film. When he wakes up, she offers to sleep with him, which I initially thought was ridiculous, but it is Reeves so he could get it. He declines because he is still all business. He counteroffers that if she helps him complete one errand, they could squeeze in a quickie before she has to open her business establishment, which is not a euphemism, but I’m not calling that place a café, a bar or a diner, and you can’t make me. Unfortunately his errand takes too long so raincheck on the sex until later that day when he gives her a blue candle from his hotel room. He must be a fan of Rent. The next day he unwisely goes bear hunting with her brother, his friends, including the guys who beat him up. They basically give the girl gun to him because he is so pretty, but what feels ominous becomes a metaphor that shows when the rubber hits the road, Reeves will make the hard decision and spare others from suffering so they respect him.
I’m supposed to buy that Katya and Reeves have such a passionate love affair that they will do anything for each other, and he is transformed by her love from a chilly dispassionate businessman into a beating heart. I don’t. He returns to St. Petersburg, realizes that the candle is a clue, has her bring it to him, and if I remember correctly, it has the MacGuffin diamonds in it. By this point, I’ve lost track of this plot. Apparently Pyotr sold fakes to someone, and he (probably) got killed. The authorities are in the mix because of this side deal (how, I don’t know), but he has the diamonds so the deal is back on track, and to kiss and make up, Reeves and gangster are supposed to party at 10 pm! Siberia loses me forever because everyone in this movie, hot or not, are too old to be starting the evening at 10 pm.
Reeves tells Katya not to go out with him to meet the Russian gangster because things are already tense. At this point, Katya is experiencing the record scratch scene because she is trying really hard to look good and fit in with his sleek surroundings, but she does not pull it off and clearly doesn’t belong. The relationship loses something in translation when relocated to more upscale surroundings, and now the wife thing is bothering her, which leads to some weird role playing that makes no sense if his marriage is more friendly and less passionate than their affair. Ross apparently digs these kind of scenes. Because no woman with common sense would go, she naturally goes to the gangster’s place. She may as well slap a sign on herself saying, “I’m in danger.” Gangster has a great idea-let’s tell our women for the evening to give the other guy a blow job, and it would be a great insult if we men didn’t bond that way. Katya did not sign up for this BS, but she and Reeves know that they are in danger so they do it. When he was five, did this gangster believe in blood brothers? Grow up! Ross always substitutes sexual humiliation of women for character development so this plot twist makes sense.
If she wasn’t happy before going out, after being raped, Katya is almost inconsolable. They go to the hotel room, which is filled with authorities. They threaten to disappear Katya if he doesn’t cooperate so he does, but it means deceiving the gangster, which means the gangster will kill him. Why do they want to screw him over and have him sell fake diamonds if he has the real ones? What happened to the MacGuffin diamonds? I don’t remember. Maybe he never got them back, and I pretended that he did. I have no idea, and I didn’t really care at that point. He does it because he wants to save Katya to which I think, “A little late buddy,” but in the movie’s logic, sexual violence is less egregious than literal violence, and she will be fine.
Reeves decides to return to Mirny for his last stand against the gangster, who figures out fairly quickly about the okie doke. Katya has no idea that he is in danger, but his hunting buddies do and help him to distract her so she isn’t present for the showdown. Now Reeves is the bear, and the gangsters are the hunters. The bear always loses, but like the bear, Reeves puts up a good fight, and he dies. Siberia would have been way shorter if they hadn’t extended the deadline and just killed him for not delivering immediately. I feel cheated for not getting more Molly Ringwald, who elicited the best part of Reeves’ performance.
Don’t watch Siberia. You can see Reeves in something else, and I feel bad that he also had a hand behind the scenes in creating this film. Watch Ridley Scott’s The Counselor instead, and most people hated that film, but it explores themes of hubris and love in denial while facing certain doom more effectively.