Immediately after Sharknado originally aired on the SyFy network, my zombie mentor urged me to see it. On one hand, he was right about the zombie thing long before The Walking Dead hit the airwaves. On the other hand, I didn’t have cable; life is short; and my various queues are enormous. Prioritizing Sharknado seemed silly. I never dismissed the movie, but I also would not make it happen. If it was supposed to happen, it would be easy, and it actually was. It came to my attention that the first five movies of six Sharknado movies could be streamed on Netflix so I added them to my queue. Then I watched The Meg, which did not hit the spot. I decided to rewatch Jaws, which was great….of course. (Spielberg killed a kid.) Sharknado just seemed thematically right, but two weeks earlier, I noticed that it was going to expire on New Year’s Day. I realized it was now or never, but I did not do what I normally do—schedule it with my other commitments. It did not rise to that level of concern. On December 30, 2018, it suddenly became very urgent to accomplish a task that I had planned to do in February: reorganize my unread bookshelves. This franchise is the perfect multitasking tool.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is the worst movie in the Sharknado franchise. It unfolds in Washington DC and Orlando, FL. The best part of the movie is the return of Nova from the first installment otherwise it excessively mixes sci-fi genres until it is a grand mess. Three words sum up the movie: sharks in space. Only one awesome weapon emerges from it, but they don’t use it in subsequent installments so clearly its greatness was stumbled upon, not deliberate and went unrecognized.
After the success of the first movie and the brilliant stunt casting of the second, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! expands the cast at the expense of its core attraction, Fin Shepard, played by Ian Zierling. I like David Hasselhof, but he sucks all the oxygen out of the room and ends up being the star attraction instead of complimenting the movie. It becomes more of a spoof of movies like Armageddon without really getting what made those movies great and replicating it in another setting.
Also the cameos were dreadful and betrayed a largely far right leaning partisan bias of someone in the Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! production team. I know that Mark Cuban speculated about running for President after appearing in this movie so thanks to them for unleashing that nightmare scenario on our nation. (I actually don’t have anything personal against Cuban, but enough with guys who run businesses thinking that is sufficient experience to hold government office.) You know what isn’t a fun and light cameo: Ann Coulter as Vice President. You know another person that I didn’t miss after she left office: Michelle Bachman.
Sharknado 2: The Second One’s cameos were light and popular culture based whereas these cameos were all political, which ruined the fun. More importantly, they weren’t political figures that were ever fun like Al Franken, which also would not have aged well, but would make sense given his Saturday Night Live experience, Jesse Ventura, a former wrestler, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is too big for this franchise. The closest that they got was Anthony Weiner, and that didn’t age well, and he wasn’t funny. Talk about casting needing to do some soul searching on why they keep netting alleged sex offenders, which reminds me that Matt Lauer appears again (I’ve hated him since I was a child) and Jared Fogle.
Coulter and Bachman are too polarizing to be in a light, fluffy movie like Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! The fact that even the sharks don’t eat them means that they are more sacred to the writers than other characters, or they weren’t as good sports as Daymond John. Either way, at least it would have been a bit of self-deprecating fun to convert criticism against them into a bit of harmless virtual wish fulfillment that they go away. To clarify, I don’t want them dead, but every one gets eaten by sharks in this franchise, even the star, so why not?!? Fun fact: Sarah Palin and Presidon’t were offered roles, but turned them down—the latter because he was really running in an effort to end the world in a more conventional manner in his real life impression of The Manchurian Candidate now with less brain washing. Oddly enough, Palin could have worked, especially as Vice President, and I don’t even like her, but at least she is funny when she plays herself. Coulter and Bachman are wooden at best as if it was their first time in front of a camera. Shame!
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! also brings back the daughter, who is played by a different actor, but did anyone who saw the first film think, “You know whom I would like to see again? The annoying daughter.” I didn’t. At least they shepardized her. Also no one watches anything and thinks, “You know what would be the cherry on top of this franchise? A disapproving mother in law!” I was happy to see Bo Derek, but her character was a pill.
Tara Reid finally achieves greatness in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! She is desperate to kick ass and is held back for understandable reasons. She gets the best scenes, and the denouement is so bananas that it does make you want to see the subsequent installments even though the majority of the third sequel was dreckitude. Kudos goes to Frankie Muniz who has the best on camera encounter with sharks in the entire film. I am sad for Tim Russ, who is Star Trek franchise royalty and should be above all of this.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! deserves a special place in infomercial hell for constant product placement of a certain internet/cable company and an amusement park. It wasn’t even subtle. If time did not permit watching the entire franchise, I would cut bait with this installment. It just isn’t fun.
