Pet Sematary is a serviceable adaptation and reimagining of a Stephen King novel that remains faithful to the spirit of the novel, but fails to linger and truly haunt you more than a few moments after leaving the dark theater. It stars Jason Clarke and Amy Seimetz as the new property owners of the titular location who happily move their family of two children and a good Maine Coon cat there without noticing the spot or the crazy highway with trucks barreling through. What could go wrong?
I’ll watch any movie adaptation of a Stephen King novel regardless of quality, but whether or not I’ll enjoy it is an entirely different matter so I was going to see Pet Sematary no matter what, it was just a question of would I see it at home or in the theater. Once I realized that it was showing at my favorite theater, which is nearby and has amazing butter popcorn, it was a no brainer. Bad or good, I was guaranteed a fun time, but if I had to put any real effort or invest any real money in the outing, I probably would be unhappy.
The only problem with watching horror movies as an adult is that I find the supernatural elements more believable than the quotidian ones. Obviously the place is affordable because cursed property, but I have so many questions. Who buys property and does not inspect and review the entire area? Ladies, and I’m specifically asking the traditional stay at home moms who are raising their kids, do you trust your husband enough to buy property without seeing it first? You gave your house keys to the movers, and they completely unpacked everything and put it perfectly in place without you being there? You packed so perfectly that they would know what to do? Maybe the hospital hired the movers as part of the hiring package, and the movers did everything. You were unpacked and ready to throw a party soon after moving in to the neighborhood? He just started that job and is already missing a lot of work. I bet the hospital is regretting hiring him. Maybe put up a fence. Do a better job of keeping the cat indoors. Take the cat to the vet before jumping the gun. I didn’t see him washing the sheets surreptitiously so why bother hiding your dirty feet from your wife. She is going to figure it out. How are you going to practically explain a person declared dead waltzing around? You have to move now. It is all fun and games until the property tax assessor comes around then the jig is up.
Normally I avoid movies with animals in danger, but Pet Sematary got grandfathered in because I read the book, and I’m fairly certain that I saw the original movie on Channel 11 in New York City, but wouldn’t swear on a stack of Bibles. I remember enough to know the basics, but not enough to hold anything against you. I noticed what this movie decided to change and generally am willing to sign a waiver, but definitely am reserving one major critique that seemed glaring.
Wendigo. The frack? You don’t just casually reference a wendigo like the average moviegoer knows what that means. Either don’t reference it or reference it, explain it then show how it ties in with the supernatural occurrences that are being depicted on screen because it really did none of those things. I didn’t actually need an explanation why corpses get reanimated. I know just enough about wendigos to be salty at the reference because none of the supernatural shenanigans could be explained by a wendigo. Better to just say evil spirits from another realm use the bodies as a vehicle to get to our world and keep it politically correct and moving. Watch an episode of Supernatural. It has been airing since the dawn of time. It isn’t that hard! Had me waiting for Mads Mikkelsen to appear out of nowhere with his fine looking self. Did you file your taxes? I couldn’t. Wendigos, am I right? Ugh, yah they’re the worst.
One criticism that I have about the actual story is that we don’t see enough of Rachel before the move to know whether or not she is the kind of person who usually rocks herself in a corner and is in need of some therapy. Of course we will attribute it to wendigos because duh, but in the real world, if you leave a woman isolated except for children to socialize with, she is going to go bonkers eventually regardless of whether she ever experienced trauma or has a mental disability. Everyone wants the large house theoretically, but it is usually located away from your entire support system, and I’ve seen women just crumble under the pressure because they’re human beings and social creatures, not just moving, breathing, giving trees.
There are some The Sixth Sense elements strewn throughout Pet Sematary. I don’t remember whether the book makes it clear, and the movie does not do enough to distinguish whether or not it is complicit with the wendigo or trying to fight it. Based on the content of the message, I’m leaning towards the latter, but here is the critique for the helpful spirits. Maybe don’t give tours to people so they know the route better. Watch a little Amityville Horror and step your game up to get those people out of the house.
Pet Sematary was completely realistic when the parents clearly never had a game plan about how to talk about death to their kids. I will never understand how people get married and don’t know basic fundamental beliefs of their spouse to discover whether or not it is a deal breaker.
Sorry, Clarke, but no one breathlessly says to their friends, “I’m going to see a Jason Clarke film.” He does his job, but occasionally his Australian accent came through. Seimetz is actually a really good actor, but I NEVER recognize her, which is how you know that she is a secret badass even though this role isn’t one that people will be talking about long after the movie is over. It isn’t her fault, but it is what it is. Jete Laurence, who plays the daughter, was perfect. John Lithgow is too good for this, but he graces us with his presence anyway.
The four cats that played Church were the real break out stars of Pet Sematary: Leo, Tonic, Jaeger and JD. They were discovered at shelters, but were natural born actors. Leo played living Church and appeared on the red carpet. Tonic played reanimated Church. Leo and Tonic seemed to have embraced fame and even have Instagram accounts, but Jaeger and JD seemed to return to private life. There was a fifth cat, but that cat left production fairly early due to creative differences. Please reassure me that fifth cat is fine.
If you have nothing to do and really want to see a movie, then definitely see Pet Sematary, but it isn’t terribly scary. It is forgettable, but entertaining. Don’t put a lot of effort into it, and you’ll be happy.
