La La Land is a crap movie and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I get that La La Land is not a traditional musical, but uses the musical genre of people randomly singing and dancing in contexts where people would not ordinarily sing and dance to reflect how the two main characters, played by Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling, are still idealistic young people engaged in their craft, but as they become disillusioned with each other and lose their artistic integrity and faith, the musical numbers disappear. Skip La La Land, and see 500 Days of Summer, Midnight in Paris and Café Society instead.
I am so glad that I did not pay money to see this bowel movement. Within the first five minutes, my mom, who did want to see it, and I looked at each other with looks of concern. (Think Arrested Development, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”) I understand that La La Land is not a traditional musical, but shouldn’t I like one song so much that I want to hear it repeatedly? I usually leave musicals wanting to buy the soundtrack. I regretted the fact that I even spent a moment of my life watching this shit. You know what may have helped La La Land-great music and actors who could sing and dance. The only moment that resembled enjoyment was the sell out performance with John Legend, which was supposed to be a moment of horror. Call us Philistines, but mom and I thought it was the best musical number in the film, and it was a messy mix of synth and jazz. Also La La Land, thanks for reminding me that the guardians of our musical heritage are hipsters, not black people, because that is usually how it has worked in America. Blink.
It has been awhile since I was a struggling young person, but can baristas afford a Prius? Because I am a lawyer, and I can’t so perhaps I should change careers. Also the majority of La La Land unintentionally revealed that the characters may be suffering from a mental degenerative disease because NO ONE COULD FIND HIS OR HER CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As someone who only began driving in 2011 and could not tell you the first thing about cars, I found this extremely aggravating and unrealistic. Side note: all the roommates rode in the same car to the party, but when she gets towed, she is alone. Did everyone hook up except her or is she a really rude person to expect a ride from? I did not know that there was so much walking in LA. I actually heard the opposite. I learned something new. How does Gosling’s character not have a job and no roommates? I know elderly professionals with roommates in major metropolitan cities.
If I had to say something nice about La La Land, I would applaud the costume design-Stone’s colorful wardrobe was the most interesting part of the film. J.K. Simmons and Ryan Gosling have a too short scene together. I also briefly enjoyed the scene where everyone complains about going to the movies then she leaves them abruptly to go to the movie theater. Unfortunately that sequence leads me to my main problem with the film. How did Stone’s character end up involved with a guy like that and people like that in the first place? There is an under explored, cynical settling side to her character a la The Great Gatsby that La La Land neglects because the filmmakers like the character. The ending even reveals it about her, but pulls punches.
La La Land fails because it does not authentically communicate anything more than superficial notions about its characters. Most musicals succeed because the types of characters on screen are instantly relatable and recognizable, but these characters seem more like archetypes about artistic integrity, not people. They struggle without actually struggling. If La La Land was La Boheme, Mimi would get a head cold, not TB. It reminds me of Glee-how sad that these pretty, talented people are the underdog. No one buys it!
La La Land aggravates me because of the critical acclaim and illustrates why I stopped watching the Oscars ages ago. I like Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. If Emma Stone was not so likeable, she would have been destroyed for playing an Asian woman, but everyone blamed the casting director, not her. Even though I find The Help as a story repugnant, she makes it work. Stone is literally made of affable Teflon and the personification of Wonder Woman’s Bracelets of Submission. After La La Land, I will still like her and watch her movies, but she did not deserve an Oscar for this performance.
I did not see Florence Foster Jenkins, but sight unseen, if it consisted of Meryl Streep simply defecating on a toilet a la Lena Dunham style, she and all the other Best Actress nominees would deserve an Oscar over Stone. Isabelle Huppert should be flipping tables somewhere. Ruth Negga is always otherworldly transformative, and Stone could not touch the hem of Negga’s garment on Stone’s best day. Natalie Portman may not be anyone’s favorite, but even she explored some unfamiliar emotional corners in Jackie. I get that La La Land may be Stone’s life story, but she should stick to fiction. Stone shows better range when the film is less autobiographical. Even if you restrict the Best Actress playing field to actresses who once had red hair, I do not understand how Amy Adams was not in the mix. Adams had an amazing 2016 and gave us Arrival and Nocturnal Animals, but she did not even get a nomination. We are in the worst timeline. People forgot the definition of excellence and have set the bar way too low.
In a world filled with La La Lands, be The Lure. I love movie homage as much as the next person, but the actual movie containing the references needs to appeal to me or I would rather watch the original movies.