I saw Kingsman: The Secret Service in theaters, but I learn from my mistakes and waited until Kingsman: The Golden Circle came out on DVD to watch it. The only reason that I came back was because the previews had spoilers and revealed that a character that seemed to die in the initial installment was actually alive. Hint: he looks hot in glasses. Kingsman is not for me but for people who follow this movie for Eggsy. Also even though the franchise skewers right and left, I still felt fracked with because in the initial installment, all the black/brown people were villains, and it killed Obama instead of some fictional POTUS. The initial villain wanted to stop global warming.
I still feel like Kingsman: The Golden Circle is fracking with me. This villain is a Harvard grad woman who wants to legalize drugs. (Side note: I’m pro legalizing drugs to reduce use of government resources on something that clearly isn’t working except if the drug side effect is cannibalism, but because I don’t actually use drugs, I’m annoyed by the unforeseen side effects of legalization. Why can I smell pot if I’m outside?!? How much pot are you smoking that there is more pot than oxygen and wind! Go home!) This time the POTUS is a fictional character (shout out to Bruce Greenwood, get money), not Presidon’t because God forbid that this franchise remains consistent in using real US presidents. No, it did not help that he was more right leaning and clearly a minor bad guy because movies usually use real life news broadcasters to ground their film in reality, and this movie used people from FOX. “But that is the studio that produced the movie…” I don’t care! And they killed the dog. I like violent movies, but the Kingsman franchise always manages to find the sweet point of finding violence that I don’t enjoy. I did mention how anti-cannibalism I am, right? I’m the only woman in the world who appreciates Channing Tatum for his personality, not his looks. Also I feel some kind of way that this movie got the rights to Prince’s Let’s Go Crazy. Would he be for it or against it? I’m leaning towards against, but I’m not an expert so….. I do not like John Denver.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle also does other things that left me feeling like it could have done better. I’m all for Halle Berry working to pay those bills, but her character felt wah wah, and I’m not going to blame her for it. I love all accents that do not originate in my home country, but even I thought that the imitation of American accents was dreadful. It was like a movie filled with nails on a chalkboard, which made it a missed opportunity to really showcase Pedro Pascal in promotions. Pascal is still a hot commodity after his brief, but memorable appearances in Game of Thrones. I don’t care about Eggsy’s relationship, and instead of being funny, spy sexy times were eye roll worthy. Eli Roth called—he wants his juvenile approach to vaginas back. You can do ANYTHING in make believe land, but you want to put spy ware up someone’s coochie. OK, I’m not even offended just sad that you’re not reaching for the stars. Aim higher. Go watch John Wick 2 for daring to take things to the insane extreme. Putting objects in snatches is so very frat boy yesterday. You can do anything. I just want more for you. The CGI is boring, metal and shiny. The movie needs a makeover.
I actually liked Julianne Moore as a villain, especially since it feels like a twisted reprise of Far From Heaven 1950s aesthetic. Shout out to Emily Watson for paying her bills, but what are you doing here? You’re better than this! Elton John made the movie worth watching. It was a running gag that initially felt mean, but was completely worth it by the end. The good thing about the body count of this installment is that I don’t have to remember anything about the first movie for long. I’m still wild about Harry and wish that he were the main character in Kingsman: The Golden Circle. He is the reason that I keep coming back instead of just walking away from the whole mess.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle is not the end. They are already working on another installment. Without knowing anything about it, I already know that I probably will not see it in theaters, will watch it on DVD and find most of it tedious and mediocre with brief moments of brilliance from Firth. I hope that the Kingsman franchise proves me wrong, but it is not getting better with age.