Jupiter Ascending should be called, “You created a whole new mythology, and no one cares.” I have no idea why some things resonate and move me and others don’t, especially since I want to like the Wachowskis. The Wachowskis don’t like dehumanizing systems, but unlike The Matrix or even Cloud Atlas, I didn’t feel a sense of danger or urgency THAT THIS SYSTEM MUST STOP. I’m still not sure what Titus was trying to do. I didn’t buy that this recurrence could suddenly start quoting code, but kept needing to be rescued from making dumb decisions. If someone wants to marry their mother, that should be a clue. I wondered why they didn’t just tie Mila Kunis to a set of railroad tracks and give everyone villain mustaches to twirl. And can someone let Channing Tatum wear a shirt? Nope. I felt like Eddie Redmayne decided to be in a different movie and went full on drag in manner and attitude, which was probably the best part of the movie for me, especially with his capes, but everyone else, including the scenery must have needed urgent medical care from him chewing up everything in the room. I just didn’t care about anyone or anything, and I felt bad because clearly the Wachowskis went to a lot of trouble to make Jupiter Ascending. Dear Wachowskis, please watch Snowpiercer, stop watching Dark Angel reruns and trying to be Terry Gilliam, and we don’t need anymore Star Wars ripoffs.