Jeruzalem is a found footage film about two friends who whimsically decide not to go to Tel Aviv, but to Jerusalem to party during Yom Kippur, which happens to coincide with the beginning of the apocalypse as foretold by no one outside of this movie. Seriously is Jerusalem considered a party town? I didn’t think that Yom Kippur was a time to drink and be merry, but I’m not practicing Judaism. Honestly the movie lost at me, “Wooooo, we’re going to party in Jerusalem,” because I associate church pilgrimages with Jerusalem and partying with Ibiza, but maybe I’m wrong, and I can gather a church group that likes to party and go to bed at 9 to 10 pm. Open my eyes.
I imagine that the pitch for Jeruzalem was, “Like Cloverfield, but less character development, make them creatures that are vaguely familiar, but resemble nothing and instead of setting it in Manhattan, set it in Jerusalem.” If Jeruzalem couldn’t win me over, I can’t imagine anyone else liking it. I love most found footage movies, and I grade them on a generous curve. I love any supernatural themes in movies, and if there is even a whiff of a Biblical apocalypse, the margin for error only gets wider, and yet, I couldn’t sustain giddy, goofy joy at the ridiculousness of this movie.
I’ll start with the positives. Using Google Glass to record everything is a great concept for a movie. An apocalypse in Jerusalem sounds awesome in theory considering the hullabaloo surrounding the region historically and religiously. Jeruzalem starts with a ceremony, not a joke, involving representatives involving all the Abrahamic religions: rabbis, priests and imams. The characters introduced in the movie follow these faiths and meet a character from that ceremony that acts like a Cassandra figure that can easily and reasonably dismissed. It feels as if it is a solid framework for a good story and a thrilling denouement. All the weird supernatural creatures from the Old Testament, including the Nephilim, can be trotted out and add some zombies with a shout out to the Valley of Dry Bones. I can dig it. This movie was never going to win an Oscar, but it could have been solidly entertaining. Sadly it is not.
Jeruzalem’s crucial mistake was not firmly establishing the ground rules for its supernatural phenomenon while alluding to them. Cloverfield worked because it was inexplicable, and we had to come up with our own answers. This film provides answers that are not actually true or are inconsistently depicted in the movie. Fairly early in the film, someone (I forget who) equates Islam’s dark angel, Judaism’s golem with Christians’ zombies. Zombies aren’t a Christian thing per se, and I thought that golem was a tool of vengeance so perhaps similar to popular culture’s concept of Voodoo’s zombies, but the movie was definitely not talking about the ones that can be controlled. Also maybe I missed something, but why is this Yom Kippur different from the previous ones? The movie suggests that weird crap has happened before, but not at this level yet a couple of characters know exactly when and where it is going to happen. How? I don’t look for detail if it isn’t given, but if you provide it, it should make sense. What really bugged me were the rules for infection because while it appears to be transmitted by a scratch, there is one character who gets attacked and does not turn. Also a familiar dead person turns up, but was that person buried there or when the apocalypse starts, it does not matter where you were actually buried, you will just appear in Jerusalem?
I also hated the main character in Jeruzalem. She could barely survive on a good day, and I’m not joking. She should legit never leave her house. I don’t care if she isn’t agoraphobic. A doctor should still sign the note. Once the apocalypse starts, and everyone is running, she asks them to slow down. When I used to watch The Walking Dead and saw Rick running for hours and miles in his cowboy boots, I knew that I wouldn’t even theoretically make it. I can barely walk without incident in my sneakers and running socks on an autumnal sunny day, and you know what you’re not going to hear me say? Slow down. I’m going to die if things pop off while I’m outside unless my ancestors and adrenalin kick in. Also how do you actively play video games killing zombies, and not at least be able to provide advice on how to kill them?!? To be fair, I saw how she played, and she was trash, but still she didn’t at least pick up anecdotal skills. Head shots! I don’t even touch video games! I was actively rooting for her to die. Side note: the main character’s best trait was that even if you barely knew her, she would not ditch you in an apocalypse or hurt you intentionally, which is dumb, but nice. She is not an asset during the zombie apocalypse. She would probably get you killed
Jeruzalem’s dialogue is dreadful. A friend tells them, “You Jews wear white on Yom Kippur,” as he gives them a present. Ummmm, thanks? When did this movie become Gran Torino? It also thinks that it is being funny because her dad calls while she is having sex. It seems as if the joke is that daughters and good girls are actually having sex, which means that they are naughty I suppose. Who is the narrator, and where did he go? I would love to institute a rule that you can’t have a flashback in a movie of a scene that already occurred in the same movie. Found footage movies do that all the time, and I despise it. Your movie is only ninety-four minutes long, but you don’t have enough material that you have to recycle it!
There are some great minor characters. An award for professionalism goes to Yehuda, a bit part, an Israeli soldier who did not like the American tourists and did not want to socialize with them at all, but when the crap hit the fan, he did more for them than I would have done, which the entitled main character did not appreciate. Shout out to Rachel for being friends to the main character and doing her best to keep Jeruzalem afloat. Slow 80s clap of appreciation to Omar who realized that he wasn’t about that life although I do think that it was a missed opportunity to tie the three faiths as a way of stopping evil and showing how all residents of the Holy City of different faiths could unite in the fight against evil. My theoretical movie is better.
Skip Jeruzalem. It isn’t good, and for some inexplicable reason, they’re making a sequel, which my completist gene will compel me to watch eventually at home. Don’t be me. It is also not so bad that it becomes good. It is just bad.