Jack Reacher: Never Go Back gives you the review right in the title. If you liked the first one, then never revisit the wannabe franchise again. I never read the books, but if this movie is a faithful adaptation, then you should probably skip the books too because the fault lies in the story, which is dreadful. Tom Cruise finally suffers the indignities faced by women who try to helm action movies as his character suddenly gets saddled with an instant nuclear dysfunctional family to protect and make him more likeable.
Cobie Smulders plays Major Susan Turner, who somehow helps him with a case and whose voice is sufficiently hot enough for him to get across the country for a date with what money? Money no longer becomes an issue when he has to save this kick ass damsel in distress and a random teenage girl who could be his daughter because she has street smarts. Honestly instead of watching Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, watch the first season of The Punisher. Yes, I’m telling you to commit to a violent thirteen-episode Netflix Marvel series in a vacuum instead of a less than two-hour action movie starring an action icon. Trust me, at least the series rarely insults your intelligence, and it basically has the same story. If The Punisher ripped off Jack Reacher novels, at least it had the decency to wear it better.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back does not even have incredible action sequences to distract us from the dreadful story. The most memorable moment is when Cruise and Smulders run alongside each other to show how bad ass they are and potential kindred spirits, but that is it. I know that characters have to do a bunch of potentially stupid things to keep the plot unfolding, but the movie did a disservice to the teen girl. How can she simultaneously be smart enough to elude killers, but not know the basics that anyone could glean from watching a movie or television series about how people can locate you? The first time that she commits an error, I begrudgingly allowed it because otherwise how would her storyline get resolved if she was safely ensconced away from the leading pair, but the second time was just dumb. Who was she texting?
Also the titular character is supposed to be brilliant and resourceful, but instead of just taking a DNA test, which is insanely easy, to determine whether or not the bad guys are just setting him up so they can get him invested in someone so they finally have something to hold over his head, he has to see the mother’s face because he remembers everyone that he has sex with. So if you’re the father, it is a potentially awkward and abrupt reunion, but if you’re not, you wasted everyone’s time. Also this little girl does not know you. How do we know that we can take you at your word that you don’t remember her? Also why is this little girl, and not her mother, involved in this process? The only real reason is that we want to retain the potential of a desirable romantic relationship, not a domestic dispute about responsibilities, which is not sexy. Such cinematic contrivances perpetuate the dangerous and (unintentionally) abusive images of parentification so children who seem mature beyond their years are further burdened with responsibilities. Also in a gross twist, the teen girl apologizes to Jack Reacher for the inconvenience. Regardless of whether or not he is the father, he is not the wronged party in this situation. He is an adult capable of understanding that crap happens, not a little kid trying to find a functional parent to survive. Adults’ needs should rarely be prioritized over a child.
Also Jack Reacher: Never Go Back inadvertently acts as a time capsule of better times in our fair land, a time when human trafficking of undocumented people used to be considered unequivocally wrong whereas now excuses would be made even if an arm of the government did it without the authority to do so. Have you noticed that the titular character does not carry a bag? How does he change his clothes? He eats at IHOP. Contrast him with the Winchesters from Supernatural. They are killing demons daily so the junk food on the road diet isn’t hurting their caloric intake. Also they drive around in a car so they carry an outfit for every occasion. Even in the land of make believe, Jack Reacher’s lifestyle is unsustainable. Also a white male in his forties? Really? Is it in Cruise’s contract that all scripts have to casually refer to how young he is, not his actual age? Dorian Gray, when will you be satisfied?
I feel bad for the real victims of Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, the television actors who thought that they made it because they were finally in an action film with Tom Cruise. I’m not just talking about Smulders, who at least has the good fortune to be tied to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I’m talking about Iron Fist’s Jessica Stroup, who appears in the film just to make daddy a sandwich. I’m talking about the guy that everyone immediately pegs as the bad guy, Prison Break’s Robert Knepper.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back is a forgettable film that fails to satisfy. The actors do their best to keep this franchise going, but they should have never gone back and neither should you. Skip it. Cut out the middleman. Go to IHOP. Eat some pancakes.