Instead of a film about the entire life of the Biblical character, David, David and Goliath (2015) is a feature length movie about the events leading up to the iconic battle, which is actually a promising idea, but is executed dreadfully. Disclaimer: my mom actually liked the movie although when I suggested that we rewind and rewatch a scene, she said no so quickly that I think she was just being charitable or at least happy to be watching anything since she rarely watches movies in her old age.
David and Goliath felt like it was made by someone who thinks that if the actors have British accents, that means they are good actors, which sadly is not true as proven by this movie. The affect is so wooden and one note that it felt like it was everyone’s first time in front of the camera. Grimaces of pain seem more like stifled laughter and smiles. There was not a single standout performance.
I will compliment a handful of actors who seemed to grasp David and Goliath’s true potential was as a comedy in the vein of a Monty Python movie. The movie definitely has a sense of humor though the timing is usually off because comedy looks effortless, but is actually really hard and requires more experienced or at least gifted actors. When the Philistines catch a couple of fishermen, they accuse them of blaspheming their god, Dagon, and decide to execute them. “Feed their carcasses to the wolves. “ “There are no wolves in this area, sire.” “Then feed them to the lions.” “There are no lions, either.” “Then feed them to the birds! Improvise, you idiots!” Other attempts at humor fall a little flat when the same trio discuss how Goliath’s behavior in the camp is crazy. “Was it my beef stew?” Um, huh? Thanks for trying, guys.
The actors can’t be accused of butchering great lines because David and Goliath’s writing is repetitive. Instead of expanding the conflict by introducing characters in a surprising ways and depicting gradual, nuanced character development, people pretty much say variations of the same line for ninety-two minutes. The Israelites are scared of Goliath, and the Philistines are cocky, but one of the Philistine leaders is concerned about the other’s sides God because he has heard stories. Other than Goliath getting gradually more irritable and eager to fight, that is it.
To make matters worse, I suspect that Goliath’s lines were prerecorded then the same couple of lines were replayed repeatedly instead of asking the actor to deliver the lines in new ways. On one hand, it is an effective way to make the audience empathize with the Israelites being taunted incessantly because it is crazy making, but it is just another example of David and Goliath’s shoddy execution. The sound of the same damn horse neighing also was spectacularly annoying. The sound quality is only slightly worse than the blue screen that occasionally seems obvious. Slow mo is used to disguise the lack of fight choreography or physical fitness of the actors.
If I had to compliment David and Goliath, I suppose that it is for attempting to cast some swarthy men as Israelites and Philistines because the events do take place in the Middle East. Most of the main characters are so pale that while they may have kept saying that God is with them, I wanted them to reassure me that SPF was with them too. If the Philistines don’t get you, skin cancer will. Your fair skin can’t handle the hot sun. There is a Smurfette, Michal, who is inexplicably present at the battle field I suppose to provide visual inducement of Saul’s offer to let the man who fights Goliath marry his daughter. She randomly says that she owns the property that they are standing on. No, you don’t. Women didn’t own property during that time unless there were no male heirs. Also I suspect that the filmmakers watched too much Game of Thrones, which is not a bad thing, because Michal’s outfit and hairstyle are very similar to Khalessi’s when she was married and Season 6 Episode 4, which side note is awesome, but in this setting, not so much. I’m fairly certain that you wouldn’t want your daughter on the frontline of a battle that you think that you’re going to lose.
It really bugged me that David and Goliath was oblivious to the details of the Old Testament. For example, horses were considered war machines like tanks because they could move so rapidly. David would never ride one as a shepherd, and God always knocked Israel for wanting to be like their neighbors with kings and horses. Film production could have saved some money and skipped spending any resources on horses. If you want to make a movie about a story in the Bible, maybe read the actual Bible, not the children’s story version that edits out all the stuff that they probably consider boring, but actually brings the story to life.
There are so many cinematic and television visual depictions of David that instead of watching David and Goliath, you should check out some older movies because any of them would be better than this one. If you get a kick out of watching poorly executed films, then definitely check this one out, but it is such dreckitude, and life is so finite, that you should not waste a single precious moment that God has given you on this mess.