Call Me By Your Name is a film adaptation of a novel set during 1983. I have not decided whether or not I want to read it yet because the film may have a sequel. Every summer, Elio, the seventeen year old American son, his father, an archaeology professor, and his mother, a translator, go to Italy and invite a doctoral student to assist the father in his work while Elio has to surrender his room to that student. They are highly educated, sensuous and talented. They seem comfortable in any part of the world where they may reside until this summer’s latest live in research assistant, Oliver, catches everyone off balance, particularly Elio, who disguises his attraction with hostility. The film chronicles how Elio gradually reconciles his feelings with his actions and confronts the truth that his sophistication and talent have yet to reach his self-esteem and emotions.
I did not know until after watching Call Me By Your Name that Luca Guadagnino directed it so it is the first time that I saw his work in theaters. I watched I Am Love and A Bigger Splash at home. While a smaller screen may not fully convey the beautiful composition of his shots, the comforts of home help me to enjoy his deliberate and meditative pacing more than in a theater where I’m hemmed in at all sides and unable to fully relax. There is an intimacy to his films that loses its power when you’re sitting next to strangers instead of alone with his work. I was greatly affected by others’ reactions to the film, and the desire to be able to spread out or move is impossible with a film this popular. Uncharacteristically I think that I’ll wait until his future films are available for home viewing so I can feel more.
One aspect of the big theater experience in a progressive, affluent town was the audible concern of whether or not a relationship between Oliver and Elio can be consensual or exploitive, even pedophilia. A great number of the audience consisted of gay men so I don’t think that homophobia influenced these comments. So I did some research, and the age of consent in Italy is fourteen, but I think that while questioning power imbalances is always a good thing, it misses the emotional momentum of Call Me By Your Name and ignores Elio’s point of view, which is the dominant theme of the movie.
Elio is forming his identity. The formation of his Jewish and sexual identity are at crucial turning points. Elio and his father seem astonished at how quickly Oliver gets comfortable in his surroundings. He opens a bank account, immediately becomes a regular at the local store and openly wears a gold Star of David on his gorgeous chest, the only clue that he is not only the living, breathing icon of the ideal American man, but that the ideal American man can be Jewish. Oliver’s ease in his existence contrasts with the family who appears to be at home everywhere, but actually hide their Jewishness to secure this hospitality even though this condition may not be required. When Oliver and Elio travel around the countryside, there are still remnants of proof that people liked Mussolini. The heavy backdrop of history and WWII is a subconscious influence and acts as a brake on whatever ease we may want to feel in that lush environment. Maybe I was completely wrong to feel this way considering how events unfolded, but I was tense throughout the movie because I was just as concerned as they were about how people would react to their Jewishness as well as their sexuality. Guadagnino’s use of men dancing and enjoying music is emblematic of a character’s soul.
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I have had a huge crush on Michael Stuhlbarg since Boardwalk Empire so even though I knew nothing about the book or how the movie would unfold, I placed great importance on his character because for me, he is always the star of any movie or TV show that he appears in, including The Shape of Water. As soon as I saw him as the father, I thought that the father was gay, and there would be some emotional explosion either because Oliver was going to have an affair with both of them or because the father was going to hit on Oliver and fail, which would result in emotional tension among them based on the car ride and the slideshow.
I’m relieved that I was wrong because the father ends up being one of the most supportive fathers in cinematic history with a great speech that everyone, but particularly people who are LGBTQ, need to hear:
“You two had a nice friendship….You’re too smart not to know how rare, how special, what you two had was….What you two had had everything and nothing to do with intelligence. He was good, and you were both lucky to have found each other, because you too are good….Look – you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, to pray that their sons land on their feet. But
I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it. And if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out. Don’t be brutal with it. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything – what a waste! Have I spoken out of turn? Then let me say one more thing. It will clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you two had. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. Remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. Pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt. We may never speak about this again. But I hope you’ll never hold it against me that we did. I will have been a terrible father if, one day, you’d want to speak to me and felt that the door was shut, or not sufficiently open.”
I know that Elio is envious and desires Oliver, but I was envious of the father: his ability to enjoy life and relax, his immersion in intellectual pursuits without practical concerns, the reception of his words, his ability to surround himself with beauty and people that he loved, his acceptance of them and the expectation of respect in return. Even when he believes that he fell short, it does not seem like he failed to live fully. How can I get your life and be more like you?
If Call Me By Your Name has a central theme within this coming of age romance, it is the contrast between a turbulent, insecure and vulnerable inner life with an accomplished, perfect demeanor. Elio seems like a popular prodigy. Oliver seems perfect. Both are deeply concerned with how the other sees them, and even though they feel the same way, there is a chasm that seems impossible to breach because they do not think that it can be reciprocated for various reasons. Oliver feels inappropriate and rebuffed. Elio feels slight and disposable. They are wrong.
It is purely by accident that I saw Weekend, which was about to expire on Netflix, and Tom of Finland, which I knew was going to leave theaters after only seven days, shortly before Call Me By Your Name. I noticed that in films with homosexual protagonists that are perfect for each other, the couple rarely ends up together. I remember the 1980s. Living as an out gay male was extremely difficult though possible and carried an additional stigma because of the association with AIDS. Also because of their ages, Elio and Oliver are less likely to find common ground in the real world. If they were a heterosexual couple, I would tell them to give as much time as possible before making a commitment since Elio would change a lot and was not fully formed. Still they do appear to be more than just summer sweethearts. So I intellectually understand why Elio and Oliver not ending up together makes practical sense, but after Tom of Finland, I find myself asking, “Why not?” instead of simply accepting it. Why is it so unimaginable? I think that I particularly feel this way because Oliver is about to marry a woman, and Elio was close to settling for a more age appropriate girl whom he had an attraction to, but nothing like what Elio and Oliver shared. It seemed more like Oliver was betraying a big part of who he is and destroying what made people attracted to him, his ability to fully inhabit and enjoy himself in every moment. It seemed soul killing or self-mutilating.
I’m questioning whether or not gay men not getting their soul mate is a trope. I am probably annoying because when I discover that a person who belongs in the protagonist’s demographic has seen the same film, I ask questions as if that person is now the spokesperson for all gay men even though I understand that there is not one uniform position. Gayness is not a monolith. When I have asked some gay men about this aspect of the plot, one responded, “They have different lives.” The implication seems to be that it is better to have something transitory and perfect than refusing to let go when you find something extraordinary and finding a way to extend this happiness indefinitely. I just think that it is so rare to find someone that you can connect with on an unspoken level that the flames should be fanned. I don’t believe that heteronormativity is at play here since I also know a number of LGBTQ people who share my beliefs and live them better than I ever could, but it is an interesting narrative choice that I don’t fully comprehend, and I lack the objectivity to judge whether or not I’m trying to impose unrealistic heterosexual narrative norms that leave heterosexuals dissatisfied with reality to a homosexual dynamic that could be more realistic and gratifying in the way that it balances the demands of life with the desires of the heart, this is simply one story and not emblematic or if it is a trope rooted in bitter experience and oppression. I watch a lot of movies, but not enough with homosexual protagonists to have any satisfactory answers albeit even if I did, it would be a skosh arrogant as an outsider looking in.
Oliver settling troubles me because women are getting the short end of the stick as well. I want everyone to feel how Oliver and Elio feel about each other regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. The supporting women characters in Call Me By Your Name have little to no idea that they are not living their best lives and are somewhat bewildered and suspicious as to the reason why. I want them to know that it is not their fault, and that it is not about them at all. Elio’s female love interest knows, but Oliver’s female love interest in US and Italy and Elio’s mom are not consciously aware. They are diversions, second prize, a requisite course to proceed in life, not fully loved or desired. The spectacular collateral damage of not asking why not and not trying to hold on to someone special is to inadvertently deny that experience to someone else.