Assassin’s Creed is a movie adaptation of a video game starring Michael Fassbender as Callum. Assassin’s Creed is about a death row inmate with a tragic past who discovers that he is a descendant of a secret society, The Brotherhood of Assassins. Marion Cotillard’s character, the inventor of the Animus and a descendant of the Brotherhood’s historical enemy, The Knights of the Templar Order, holds him in a facility and convinces him to reveal where THE Apple so they can eliminate violence, but her father, played by Jeremy Irons, really wants to eliminate free will. So Callum uses the Animus to trigger his genetic memory to find out THE Apple’s location while picking up his ancestor’s skills. Assassin’s Creed tells three different stories: what really happened to Callum’s mother; what happened to Callum’s ancestor and THE Apple and who will Callum become-a traitor to his blood or another assassin.
Sadly none of these stories are actually interesting. I have never played the video game. When I saw the previews, I thought that Assassin’s Creed was going to be amazing and planned to see it in theaters. Assassin’s Creed has amazing actors, including the usually stellar, but personally problematic Charlotte Rampling, who must have just needed the paycheck because she gave me a more intimidating, historical vibe in Melancholia, and The Wire’s Michael Kenneth Williams, who is the only one who did not seem to be sleeptalking in the film. Assassin’s Creed is visually stunning. The fight scenes looked fantastic. Assassin’s Creed was out of the theaters after two weeks, and after opening weekend, I received enough word of mouth warnings not to waste my money or time. Unfortunately watching it at home felt stunningly stupid as well.
I have been thinking about the idea of accessing genetic memory since January 6, 1995 when Fox aired The X-Files episode titled “Audrey” and after watching Xena: The Warrior Princess when future descendants get possessed by the titular character’s spirit. Why is Callum seeing his ancestor from a third person perspective? SHOULDN’T HE BE SEEING THROUGH HIS ANCESTOR’S EYES?!? Also if assassins raise you, how old do you have to be to get clued into your family business? He should not even need genetic memory. He should know something. Instead he is a hot version of Robert DeNiro’s taxi driver. Side note: I’m pretty sure that you would not get the death penalty for killing a pimp.
Assassin’s Creed always has the Knights explain how stupid their plan is. They basically created a meeting place with weapons for all the assassins, and then the Animus trains the ones without any assassin skills. I don’t know how the program lasted as long as it did before the assassins shut that crap down. I suppose it is reasonable to wait for Fassbender to gain fighting skills and lose the shirt so I cannot complain about THAT plot point. Maybe they should have captured more hawks since they are always soaring over the assassins.
Cotillard’s character makes no sense. Her father’s motives are not hidden-he even credits Watson and Crick as the ones that discovered DNA. He is clearly problematic. He is an open book. So why does she feel betrayed by him? Then when Callum does his thing, she implicitly consents, warns no one then wants revenge. What?!?
Assassin’s Creed made Christopher Columbus a good guy in the film. Really!?! So if the Catholic Church had THE Apple all along, and the Knights were in league with them, why did they need a fancy schmancy Animus. Keep better records! I hate you! (Also they don’t know basic history since Rosalind Franklin discovered DNA!)
Do not get me started about the past story line. I need to believe that when the highly skilled assassin gets captured, it is because the other person is better in some way than the captured assassin. I never did. The captured assassins escape, get captured, escape, rinse, repeat. Also if you are holding someone hostage, and the opponent counters with a threat then carries through with the threat before the hostage is clear, kill the hostage then get revenge. What happened to no rules? Worst assassins ever!
The most badass assassin, Lin, played by Michelle H. Lin, practically gets no lines, but from her first appearance in Assassin’s Creed, she was clearly 100% assassin, and I’m sure that she is annoyed that Fassbender basically Iron Fisted her well-deserved place in the League of Assassins. Whoops, wrong movie. (Side note: haven’t seen any of the Netflix Marvel shows except first season of Daredevil.)
Assassin’s Creed is overflowing with talent, but was a soulless, joyless and dumb film. Don’t waste your time.