Remember how all the battle scenes in the Lord of the Rings trilogy felt important because there was a common goal-to make sure that evil didn’t win. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is all fighting, no meaning. Everybody fight now (sung to C + C Music Factory), but why??? I don’t know. Elves want to retrieve their jewelry. The humans want their share. The dwarves don’t want to share and have lost their mind because of “dragon sickness.” The orcs want to fight because they are orcs. And apparently dwarf solidarity is a thing because more appear to fight too. Is that five? I think that is the five. Yes, it is as stupid, contrived and bloated as it sounds. A handful of key characters die to make it seem vaguely realistic. A few scenes from Lord of the Rings are remixed by inferior DJs to hold our attention. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies aims for cheap laughs when a cowardly man tries to dress as a woman-yawn. I am so glad that I didn’t pay to see this crap. If you like special effects without an interesting story, then definitely see The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies otherwise skip it.