If you are a fan of anyone in this cast, then do not watch “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” (2026). Set in Savannah, vampires use absinthe and dating apps to get victims. Even with human lives on the line, hunters wait until the eleventh hour to even consider stopping them. The story and the characters are the only things worse than the special effects. If you decide to see “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” out of morbid curiosity, your life and theirs will be poorer as a result. Let’s hope that AI is responsible because then there is hope for humanity.
Many of the actors in “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” are good actors so let’s assume that writer and director Adam Sherman instructed them to lower their standards. If it is meant to be tongue in cheek and campy, it misses the mark. The vampires live in the basement of an absinthe bar called Mort Par Green Fairy, which means Death by Green Fairy, but no one ever says the name. To be clear, this movie has a lot of great ideas, but it is like putting all your favorite ingredients in one dish: tasteless and inedible.
The head of the vampires is Elizabeth (Mena Suavari, “American Beauty”), and she enjoys bathing in young women’s blood. Yes, she is the legendary Hungarian Countess Bathory. Joan (India Eisley) is her best friend, but she has been acting off lately. Occasionally Joan and Elizabeth’s dynamic seemed to be building up to something interesting, but Sherman has never met a good idea that he could not ruin so he rushes off to explore something inexplicable and boring. Homebody Helena (Sarah Dumont) seems to need them to bring food to her for no discernable reason. Chuck (Mark Boone Jr.) enjoys killing people with enormous scissors and chops off their heads. Like Helena, he similarly never leaves the establishment. How did Liz choose these people to hang out with forever? Dunno. That would have been cool, but nope. There is no point of including Bathory as a character then do nothing substantial or even superficial with the referennce.
The majority of “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” focuses on the vampires, which is weird considering Cora Armstrong (Dichen Lachman) is set up as if she will be the main character complete with being a narrator who needs a lozenge in a gumshoe detective film noir movie. Seriously Lachman’s voice sounds different when she is talking in scenes versus whatever is happening in the studio. Lachman has never missed: “Dollhouse,” “The 100,” “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” among other fan favorites. As Cora, she is a veteran who works for an organization that kills vampires. She gets orders from Albert (Tom Berenger) on an economical flat screen television or monitor. Berenger’s delivery sounds as if he is acting with a gun to his head. It is very budget “Charlie’s Angels” without the warmth and a third woman. The second woman, Cora’s roommate and superior intelligence officer, Alexis (Rosa Salazar, “Alita: Battle Angel”), gets the worst (twerking upside down) and best scene (cemetery fight). She combines dating with vampire hunting and feels like an afterthought character until the end, which will leave many thinking, “Why the hell was she not doing this the entire movie!” Cora’s fight scenes were anti-climactic in comparison, which is a problem because they close the film. On the other hand, bets would never be placed on Suavari for her fighting prowess if facing Lachman, but those gamblers would lose.
Their mission is to inexplicably delay fighting the vamps until the end of the movie then not adhere to the plan. To be fair, the vampires also seem to agree with waiting to incorporate Cora into their plans even when she arrives to their masquerade night dressed like the Mask of Red Death, which was an awesome look that Sherman proceeded to do nothing with to advance the plot. Even though they can effortlessly fill the bar and have plenty of willing victims, the vampires seem desperate to go on dating apps and go out of their way to get dates with men who have the hit wall and can only get a date if they get on a plane. These vamps work too hard. No, they apparently have an order to which victims they prioritize killing. Does it ever make sense? No. It is as if victims belong in categories: fun spontaneous kills, routine, maintenance kills and scheduled app kills.
The first app victim, Eric (Timothy V. Murphy), is mainly just an appetizer, but the main course is an unappetizing main course with more as less. A couple of coworkers at a marketing firm/slash friends, Randall (Stephen Dorff, a clear victim of stunt casting) and Malcolm (Lochlyn Munro), decide to cheer up the recently divorced father, Luke (Tyrese Gibson), and take him to meet up with the two bestie vamps unaware that it will be the worst date ever. Does this friend group have chemistry? Nope. It is clearly an excuse to have Dorff in a vampire movie again (see “Blade” instead) and get Gibson into a reckless driving scene. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.
These vampires’ powers are stacked, which makes “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” feel like more of a waste. Their most distinctive physical traits are that they appear like the green fairy to their victims, but they have bat wings, and their eyes glow green. Sherman seems to borrow a ton from other vampire movies, which is a feature, not a flaw, but never fulfills its full potential. So disappointing! One unique aspect of these vampires is that they seem to delight in being gross. Think “Jackass” with vampires. Unfortunately, this thread is not sustained, and the vampires’ adolescent vacuous thrill-seeking side gets abandoned just when it begins to find its footing. It was amusing to get presented with sexy vampires who behave more like adolescent boys. Nope, must be brooding and moody.
There is no nudity, but there are plenty of excuses for people to wear sexy outfits, including lingerie, so if you are hoping to get your exploitive jollies off with this one, think again. While it is unlikely, aspects of “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” feel heavily borrowed from “How Far Does the Dark Go?” (2025), which was far from perfect, but had a vision and focus sadly lacking in this film. It is frankly astonishing that a film that should have a sapphic undertone feels completely devoid of any seductive elements. There is never a palpable attraction between any potential pairing or group context.
“Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” has the quality of a Kickstarter film without being one. It looks dreadful so do not waste your money and go to the theater to see it. Wait until you have a gift certificate if you are going to pay or wait until it becomes available on a free forum. There are three fight scenes, anemic allure and a ruthless stamping out of anything that threatens to make this film adequate. It is almost as if there was a dare to make a bad movie with a great to decent cast and God level vampires, and Sherman was determined to win. The only way to redeem the film is cut the decent parts out and drop them as clips not associated with each other randomly throughout the cyberworld.
