“Insane Like Me?” (2024) is a vampire movie set in East Texas on Halloween night. When Jake Morgan (Britt Bankhead) returns home from his most recent tour of duty, despite not being stupid teenagers, his girlfriend, Samantha (Grace Patterson), convinces him to hang out with her brother, Will (Paul Kolker), and her brother’s wife, Erica (Marie Wetherell), at a haunted hotel notorious for being ground zero of a lot of missing and unsolved murdered persons cases. Of course, things go wrong, and Jake becomes the scapegoat. After nine years locked up in an insane asylum, Jake returns to the town to get answers. Who is responsible for the crime that Jake was falsely accused of committing? It is vampires—they’re on the poster.

“Insane Like Me?” has outlines of archetypes, not three-dimensional characters, and a slew of forgettable supporting characters who line up for the slaughter. They did not even mention which branch of the armed services Jake belonged to although his rank of sergeant is referenced as part of some good-natured ribbing. It only matters because he knows how to fight and use guns. Jake is the typical guy out for revenge with a penchant for slick cars and inexplicably gleaming white garages with a halfhearted conspiracy wall. It is more like a notebook size patch devoted to his obsession. There is a workout sequence, which is supposed to reflect his grit and determination, but the horrible hatchet hair cut that he gives himself may remind some of Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk. Later his hair is back to its opening do as if nothing happened. It is moments like these when a viewer may wonder if it is a flashback sequence, but rest assured, it is not. Bankhead wore two hats by acting as the protagonist and cowriting with director Chip Joslin in his feature debut.

While Jake may be the best fighter ready to hunt vampires, he gets his ass kicked for most of the film. Sheriff Davis (Eric Roberts), Samantha’s dad, manages to hand his ass to him at inconvenient intervals. It is great to see Roberts, but the performance is a little bit phoned in, especially when he expresses grief. If he was going for Paul Rubens’ performance in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (1992), then it would have been less cringey. Usually the most famous person in the cast leaves everyone hungry for more, but Roberts is just serviceable. The big bad, who will remain nameless, could have used someone like Ray Liotta (RIP), someone who chews the scenery in a memorable way, but other than some run of the mill torture, no one will be shocked at the identity reveal of vampire prime.

Two actors share the honor of leaving viewers wanting more. Scarlett McAlister appears for a few minutes as a bartender, Courtney, and she had the right bearing to seem as if she was going to be pivotal in a vampire movie. Well, Courtney is such a smart cookie that she went home after her shift, and you will never see her again. Patterson as Grace has a winning smile and disappears into the role. She is one of the few actors in the cast who does not feel like she is reading lines or playing a role. Unfortunately, she does not get much to do except get fridged, inspire Jake and rescue him if necessary. Until the denouement, there is some ambiguity if she is a spectre or a vampire, and it does not real matter because the vampire mythology is a bit sloppy anyway. Some have fangs, and others need sharp tools to facilitate drinking blood. Sometimes the vampires’ voice change into a deeper, more demonic tone, which makes them almost impossible to understand. Let’s hope that closed captioning is available on the rental streaming marketed version.

Bankhead and Joslin get so caught up in capturing the tedious parts of quotidian life such as the town’s nightlife that they forgot to spread out the mythology in an order that would make sense instead of dropped out of nowhere as if it was a non sequitur. The mythology of “Insane Like Me?” could have helped the film if it was not just saved for the final act. The son of the first vampire, Dr. John Williams Stoker, used the hotel, which was originally an insane asylum in 1749 then burned down in 1849, as if he was H. H. Holmes, the nineteenth century Chicago World’s Fair serial killer, and inexplicably Jake knows that he has all the powers of a vampire, but none of the drawbacks. What!?! Vampire prime is not Blade, and a pro con list is never provided. Let’s not bother examining history to determine when European colonizers began to arrive in Texas. Also vampires take on the traits of the first person that they feast on—a patient in the local insane asylum in this case.

Do they give viewers a much-needed vampire fetus or baby? Missed opportunity considering one of the missing characters was pregnant, and it is an unforgiveable sin. A basic tenet of horror movies is that a pregnant character cannot exist without the baby’s future being addressed if there is no miscarriage. The “Dawn of the Dead” (2004) remake was willing to go there, and it walked so “Insane Like Me?” could run, but I instead it just sat back down on the couch! One of the benefits of being a low budget horror film is not having to worry about such pesky concerns as good taste.

“Insane Like Me?” seemed content to just evoke the love of cars from “Supernatural,” reference “Halloween” (1978) in naming various sites and having a random child vamp (Iggy LaMure), that seemed to get lost on his way to Salem’s Lot. He was probably the best vampire in the entire flick. The vampire who inherited the Hulk’s clothes and just runs around in tattered clothing is just sad. Why have the other vampires not glammed him up a bit?

If “Insane Like Me?” was a prettier film, it could have aimed for Hammer Films formula of lush buxom broads, but even the sexual exploitation feels half-hearted and lackluster.

There is one funny gag with paranormal investigators salivating on some hot locals, but it does not last long. Samantha’s little sister, Crystal (Samantha Reddy), is a college student who works and would prefer to hang out at the library than party with her friends, but the movie feels conflicted about where she fits in the proceedings. On one hand she wears a mini crop top that resembles a black, buttoned bikini top with the first ad last buttons unclasped. Other characters, including her influencer wannabe friend, Josie (Meg Hobgood, who kind of resembles Rose McGowan and Adelaide Kane from “Reign”) stop making out to ensure that she does not make out with her boyfriend. The set-up feels contrived as if they would like Jake to get a new girlfriend while recognizing how it would turn Jake into a creep so the movie never goes the younger, blonder upgrade route. Instead they become a platonic team of two trying to get to the bottom of all the missing people in town, and Crystal takes the lead on reconnecting. Not one line about him being like an older brother to close the loop—just he is so sad.

“Insane Like Me?” was probably fun to make, but not fun to watch even if you actively enjoy watching any kind of vampire movie regardless of quality. Skip it and watch “Edges of Darkness” (2008) which only had a great story and desperately needs a remake with better production values and a more experienced cast.